A year after my last break up, my family and friends kept asking me if I have someone new as if it was that easy to get back up. Maybe they got so used to seeing me skip from one guy to another. Maybe they thought I'm still that easy-go-lucky young lady who goes out with any guy she feels like dating. Little did they know, a lot have changed from my last relationship.
It's true that I was hurt badly. It was too painful that even to this day, whenever I think of it, it still hurts. And the reason I still get hurt is the same reason why I'm still single: My trust was broken.
Let me tell you something about me. You see, I grew up around people who has broken families. My parents' friends had different families. Some of my friends' or classmates' families were broken too. At an early age, I was exposed to bad marriages. It's the main reason why I hated marriage and never wanted to have it until I met the guy who made me change my mind.
Today, as I was cleaning a box filled with papers and notebooks, I saw this little piece of paper fly out one of my diaries. This was a letter given to me by the guy who once made me believe in (and even want) marriage.
He gave this letter to me before I left to Cavite. He resides in another province where I usually have my summer vacation. We weren't going to see each other for quite a long time so he wrote me a letter expressing his sadness. He also mentioned that we've only known each other for just a month but felt like hes known me half his life. I honestly felt the same. Then he called me Mrs. Josol. Not only that, he mentioned that I should take care of myself because we're still going to get married someday. Reading that line terrified me.
But everything changed when I spent time with him and his family. I felt like a part of his family. At that point, I felt he was the one for me. So when he asked me for a civil wedding, I almost said yes. I only refused it because I was almost graduating from college. I just wanted to graduate first. I assured him that after I graduate, we could get married. I will be ready then. He promised to wait for me.
After our conversation, I went through all his letters and I made sure to keep this particular letter. I wanted to show and read it to him on our wedding day. I imagined myself telling him that though he terrified me with this letter, he made me believe that some guys do keep their words. That there were still guys like him who keeps their promises.
Unfortunately, when he came back to the Philippines after work as a seaman, things changed. The promise was gone. My trust was broken. And so did my heart. It felt like a part of me died. I was left hanging at the time I needed him the most. I was left by the guy that I almost trusted my life with. I once again lost my interest with marriage.
Getting back up after that was not easy. It was painful. It was hard to accept. And it was so damn hard to trust again. It became terrifying for me to trust and give myself to someone who may leave me just like that again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of the possibility of being left. I'm not afraid of being alone because if I am, I would have dated other guys. I'm just really afraid to go through that hell feeling again; the feeling of being unworthy of someone's loyalty.
It's really not easy to open my heart and myself to someone again. I'm still slowly learning to trust again. So please... Please don't rush me in finding that prince charming. Please don't rush me in getting settling. I'll get to that someday. For now, allow me to enjoy my single life. Allow me to toughen myself more so when I find another guy who might eventually leave me too, I'll be stronger in dealing with it. That I'll be strong enough to easily open my heart to the next person.
Besides, I'm happy with my life. I may sometimes post about wishing to be with someone, know that I'm joking about it. Masaya kaya maging single, less drama. Hehe.